Time Flies When You're Changing Diapers

So, 10 weeks down. If we were a factory, I'd say we'd had no lost time accidents so far. You know, no trips to the ED, no hours spent awake watching for evidence of a concussion, no calls to Poison Control... you get the picture.

We have had our fair share of mostly sleepless nights, miserable days full of screaming, poop that knows no bounds, and puke that means changing big and little outfits for a third or fourth time in a given day. But, I hear that's pretty standard. Note: "I hear" ... not "I heard."

Somehow, in the PK (Pre-Kid) times, our friends neglected to mention that new babies are gross, largely unrewarding, have a high cost to low benefit ratio, and suck one's will to live... even as they breastfeed themselves off to LaLaLand. Now, before anyone dares send me some indignant email about how precious these little miracles are, keep in mind that --apparently-- time distorts memory and hormones alter it. While you might think I'm being overly critical now, I maintain this is a more honest and true to fact assessment of early stage parenting than most people would dare give. Sure, I love this baby, but I'm also very convinced there's a not-so-niche market out there for substitute parents.

Just like we have substitute teachers in schools.... imagine if you could call in a sub to parent through the gross times. Parents for 2-12 week olds, parents for 2 year olds, parents for teens. Parents to order. Sure, this would cost a family a fortune, but I think people would be willing to find the cash. Especially after about the 15th straight night of no more than 3 hours' sleep. Three hours total--throughout the whole night. No, I don't mean all at once. That's adding up the minutes slept from 8PM to 8AM. Three hours cobbled together from 10 to 30 minute stretches. That sort of three hours. People would pay to retain their sanity. Now, to find these substitute parents...

Until I track down or groom some substitutes, we'll keep doing this ourselves. Fortunately, it's improving. 6-7 weeks was crummy. I'd have considered leaving Jaideep with, well, a substitute family of wolves? That might be a stretch, but barely. Since then, he's gotten to be more pleasant. He's started to interact with me, not just my breasts. He'll smile and coo in addition to crying and frowning. This implies that he might continue to improve to the point that we'll eventually forget the first weeks.

It seems that's what happens to everyone else, after all. I can't imagine that all these people who didn't tell us about the rough start are part of a global conspiracy to bring others into the cult of parenthood. That this 'not knowing' phase is like parental hazing and those who've been down this road sit back and laugh that we're in the thick of it. ... ... ... Or, maybe I can. Maybe this is how people who are parents conspire to keep their childless friends as friends: "I know, let's tell them it's great and then they'll have to suffer, too!" [Sinister laughter.]

More likely though, the hormones and time are the conspirators in this one. Erasing bad memories, replacing them with good, etc. So, until those kick in and I start saying things about babies being amazing little baskets of joy, I'll be dreaming up recruiting materials for some star substitute parents and enjoying the little rewards (3 consecutive hours of sleep, smiles and coos) as they come.